/anthro/ - Anthro

Chapter 1.

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Reminds me of something

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since when is purrgem a creative individual?

>Total Dino Death
aryan

I wonder who he matched with? A Bashien?

Also how did they take over with their colonization ships? Did they also happen to have warships in the mix?

>>132018
>Also how did they take over with their colonization ships? Did they also happen to have warships in the mix?
This has been thought out beforehand but does a magician reveal his secrets? I have lore points I want I cover but I gotta get the plot to it somehow. This shits hard, unfortunately I can’t just go “as you must know living here, the bashien rode in on motorcycles a decade ago”
>>132017
Now that you mention it I don’t remember where the idea of reptilians comes from. I think the conspiracy theory of lizard people and anthro kobold art was involved somehow.

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>>132018
Turn that frown upside down!
>>132014 (OP) 
I'll give this a read

>onion
>image board
Ah sweet, this is gonna be a story about my life. I hope you write more, the stuff about image boards felt corny to me but only because I'm familiar with them unlike normies

>>132033
Hmm. My aim was for a forum instead of a direct image board but I could revise it to be a chatroom instead. Something like an IRC.

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>>132028

>>132064
You reposted in the wrong neighboorhood.
>>132022
You mean you don't have the plot laid out already?

Is this a draft?

>>132014 (OP) 
Something I'd like to ask first; would you say the lore or story is more important? Does the story exist to serve the lore or the other way around?

>>132075
he's sleep rn shh

>>132076
he should wake up then... just like how you should wake up from your delusions and realize that you will always be RALY

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>>132082
Raly is also sleeping. Foxes only after dark. Purrgem himself decreed it.

>>132075
What do you think lol. Xe's just gonna write a bunch of lore snippets about culture that's just copy pasted from some irl country, and wars that happened 1000 years ago.

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>>132083
MODS ARE ASLEEP
POST FOXES

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>>132084
I wouldn't be so dismissive this early. He seems interested enough in the worldbuilding as well. He's already published a ten-page document on it, after all. It may not be the most original, but not all stories require groundbreaking, hyperautismo settings. There's plenty enough to work with here. I'd be more concerned with the story.
>>132091
<3

>>132070
I have general ideas for the plot but it’s very malleable.
>>132073
Probably, first time seriously writing fiction so it’s prob gonna be a bit stillborn.
>>132075
It exists to give the lore purpose but I understand that unfortunately when writing a story making a good cake is better than playing with the icing.

>>132104
Mm okay. That makes sense. I marked up the whole document with corrections. Work on your run-on sentences & get rid of those uncompensated product placements. Those're the most glaring issues with the readability so far.

>>132162
Having marked comments is a godsend thank you.

>>132164
Oh, you want me to share it? I meant that I marked it up but since it's just a draft I figured you'd iron that out yourself.

>>132170
Makes my job easier. This first chapter was a bit of a rushed job as I just wanted to get something out asap.
Also can you clue me in on:
>get rid of those uncompensated product placements

>>132172
Most of these highlights don't have any comments because I think they speak for themselves mostly, and because I, again-- once it dawned on me this might just be a draft based on how roughly it was reading-- did not intend to share this.
I was referring to the bits with the iPhone referred to by name and the "I downloaded 'Entwine' off the iOS App Store" part that read like an advert almost. Then there were the mentions of "Amazon", "Walmart", "Wendy's" that felt a bit jarring to me at first because it's been a while since I've read fiction that uses real-life businesses, but those aren't so bad. It's just been a while and it's an uncommon feature of most fiction, but I see the tone you're going for. It reminds me of the Percy Jackson books. They pulled that off well enough I think, but I was in middle school when last I read them, so maybe not. lol. Just... don't point out our protagonist is an iToddler. He already comes across as a bit of a dolt to me and this just makes me want to read him getting eviscerated as soon as possible by Susie... is all I'm saying :)

>>132177
I see I went a bit overboard in the brand labels, yea people don’t talk like that. I suppose I should keep it in the realm of when an amerimutt would use said brands in a conversation.
>He already comes across as a bit of a dolt to me
Mind if I ask what gives that off? My goal for James is to have a relatable person whose reality is warped by the setting. He can be a dolt but I don’t want any POV character to be insufferable.

Clarifying: You aren’t supposed to always agree with James, he’s not a self insert for the reader and his worldview will be challenged and he will make mistakes. However he’s supposed to make sense and more importantly as a POV be likable.

Maybe it isn't so immediately obvious what some of the highlights are pointing out. Ask me if you want clarification, I suppose.
>>132179
Okay, perhaps "dolt" is a little harsh and the thing about wanting to read him getting eviscerated was tongue in cheek mostly. Most "relatable" characters come across as kind of dumb to me, that's probably why. So there's no point in asking me about this because I'm a weirdo freak and any such character will inherently feel that way to me. Downloading a dating app as the first thing he does immediately after arriving at his flat is what did it, I think. It felt so abrupt. But again, maybe that's just me. The combination of that with the aforementioned references to "Walmart" and "Wendy's" I think registered him in my mind as somewhat "goyish" for lack of a better word. In my head, these are just not things I'd be really concerned about in a setting like this. But again, that's probably just me.
I see the potential in this, though. Keep writing.

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>>132187
I see most of it being grammar punctuation or change in words but there’s a a few one off highlights like these I don’t get.

>>132192
You can ignore the first one. I would've used "forming" because "building" sounds kind of funny to me, but that's a nitpick. Also, I first read it as "James Dew was building..." and it took me a moment to realize I'm just retarded. That didn't help.
Who is "his" referring to? It seems like you accidentally shifted to third person perspective momentarily there.

>>132202
I see now lol. I started writing in third person then realized that’s stupid and changed everything to first person but ig I missed some.

is james gonna become the leader of a human supremacist faction and enact the day of the rope upon the b*shien untermensch?

Here, look, Purrgem. Let me know what you think. I tried not to Shitskin Freakize (no relation) it too much but I did add like a sentence or two to preserve some of the ideas I think you were trying to communicate especially with the "product placements".

>>132256
son im crine
blud was poodermis weirdo all along. what's next? joe actually being me all along? that's impossible because no one can EVER be joe because joe is joe. call that joeology 101 nyagga

>>132262
are you drunk nigga

>>132266
no I don’t drink 🚱

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>>132262

>>132270
Is this paper Mario or some shi

>>132256
Thank you this is spoiling me. I’ll probably read this aloud side by side with what I have and go off that.

I’m feeling a bit better now so I started working on this again. I revised chapter one with Mr. Ralsei‘s notes and I’ll share both it and chapter two hopefully later this week. I changed the idea that James uses a forum to it being an unspecified chat room more akin to an IRC or a Discovery Channelgram to make it a bit less spergy. I assume this is a good change but let me know if otherwise.

>>132877
Xis name is raly

>>132880
They call me Sonic
'cause I am faster than sound
I keep 'em jumpin around

Blue hedgehog Sonic
with incredible speed
I'm moving my feet

html+css is a nice format for writing, I recommend it

Chapters 1-2.

>>133163
I’ll read this once I’m done baking 🍪

>>133205
what are you baking

>>133206
Pillsbury s’more’s cookies

>>133163
nahhh blud matched with a dino foid 💀
what do they look like? the one's in snoot game or something more grotesque and realistic?
is this story gonna have some message about how even the most raycist of people will have to compromise when it comes to love or something

>>133231
Thanks for the useless spoiler fn'er love you 🫰

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>>133231
The best way I feel to describe what the Bashien look like in my mind would be an the body of an anthro kobold about 5’6” (excluding potential horns) tall as a species with a bit less dimorphism in height compared to humans. Their body from the neck down largely resembles a scaled human minus the addition of claws and lack of nipples (still bust tho albeit it resembles more like bust under a shirt than individual boobs, this is a surprise tool that’ll help us later). Face is harder to describe, the best photo I could find that has the facial structure that I have in mind is this. This photo is just what the head looks like. Ignore the shit he’s wearing and the neck.

>>133234
THE FUCK IS A FN'ER???
>>133236
we wuz Indians n shiet
i had no idea you were doing an hmofa story lol. i thought this was gonna be a grimdark dystopian thing where James launches a revolution to save humanity and enacts TDD along the way

>>133238
It's gonna be a purrgem hmofa story so you know there won't be any cheap shit like all anthro girls liking anon for no reason or something. He will write it with class

>>133163
Interesting. You tossed all the edits that actually mattered. But I think I get the style you're going for: the writing equivalent of a sketchier drawing style. That's fine. The only things that really keep bothering me are the misplaced (or lacking) punctuation, mixed tenses, missing apostrophes for possessives and contractions, improper use of words, typos, and the inconsistent capitalization and formatting of things like "Bashien" and "6AM"... roughly in descending order of annoyance.
>>133238
If you didn't see that coming a mile away I just... I don't know what to say, fn'er. It's like you're not paying attention in class.

>>133389
i thought it was gonna be a humoid x humoid love story about kkkilling all dinos

also what's a fn'er?

>>133389
I tried to do better on punctuation this time around. For the word bashien it’s an issue of “the Bashien” feels like it would be capitalized and “a bashien” shouldn’t be.
>>133397
I have a rough outline for points in the romance plot line but I’m thinking if it needs a subplot or perhaps another pov character with some goal. I’m leaning on no since this most likely won’t be a full fledged book or something like that. My plan is to have an over arching setting I can tell multiple stories in since while I will try my best to do the writing properly, my loyalty lies within the setting.

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>>133397
>what's a fn'er?
a CONSOOMer of FN products.

>>133407

>>133415
Whoa whoa... easy with that thing!

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Tried to make a Stellar Union flag for funsies. Aiming for something the screams globohomo but also kinda cool. This is a fail but I wasted like an hour on it so I’m sharing anyway.

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>>133405
Yeah, I get it. It's kind of like the whole White vs. white, Black vs. black thing. Given the style, I'd say it's not that great a problem, nor would I stick to proper grammar so strictly (it's not like you seem intent on that anyhow). With that framework in mind, your punctuation is reasonable, mostly. But there are still some spots where I'd add a comma or two. Other than that, my single greatest gripe-- and, in fact, this might be greater than the punctuation, or on par-- is the inconsistent tense of the narration. It's mostly in past-tense as most stories are, but there are instances where you switch to present-tense and it does interrupt the flow of the reading in a way that doesn't seem intended nor beneficial to the story. My corrections here are a little more minimal-- given all this-- and focused on these two grievances. You can ignore the ones in chapter one. I started there but just moved on to chapter two instead.
I hope I'm not coming across patronizingly, sorry :) Still looking forward to the Susie cameo I just know is going to happen.

>>133437
oh hi purrgem :D

>>133437
Maybe use another color for the background besides white. Also think about using a different shape or aspect ratio to make it more unique and alien

>>133438
>>133439
fn'er thinks he's purrgem's personal assistant or something 💀
volk ✌️

>>133438
I’ve been writing this sparsely usually sitting down for like an hour over random parts of the week so maybe that’s why some scatter brain comes us. Criticism is invaluable because I’m at the mercy of beta readers. If I don’t get any criticism I’m fluffed. I can’t be my own outside pov. I can do Susie, bashien can come in purple and I think I have a good opportunity next chapter.
>>133440
Lore wise, the Stellar Union was a result of the Bashien tampering with the United Nations. The idea is it’s the “union” of the two species from their separate stars, see humoids were not oppressors? The symbolism I went for is the middle triangle is supposed to be earth and the outer two are a human and bashien but both bleed the same color so equal (problem racists?).

>>133448
Comes out*

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>>133440
I'm Raly :3 And I saw everyone lowk shitting on the 'gem and I had to step in and help. It was only right since he's like the one person that comments on my story. He's like the Ringo Starr of the buoy. Besides, us shitskin spics exist to serve the White man. It's hardwired into my brain..... ev&o Texans will never be White :P
>>133448
Don't call ahhverif(l)ag a beta, 'gem. Chill, volk, chill.

>>133483
>everyone lowk shitting on the 'gem
Honestly I only really got positive feedback once I started writing this as a story. When I actually bank on people ripping it to shreds too. Like this is unintentional, but reading your notes I realized why would they use standard time? It’s daylight 24/7 and I even tried to emphasize that it ruined the idea of a synchronized sleep schedule. Thank you for the feedback and especially the highlights I should probably credit you on the PDF. Do I just use “Raly” or “Mr. Ralsei”?

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>>133504
If you want to credit me, you can use "Shitskin Freak". Thank you!
<3<3<3

Chapters 1-3.

A pleasant read. The cameo was executed well too, I think. Humorous and unintrusive-- someone unaware of the character wouldn't think much of it, I reckon. Thank you btw! Like everything I seem to say, it was kind of tongue-in-cheek but somehow ended up happening. lol.
More minor corrections: a few typos, commas, contractions, etc. I finally caught on to the journal entry style I suspected and probably should've asked about earlier. The mixed tenses-- those interjections in present-tense from the narrator-- make sense now and I rescind some of my corrections in the earlier chapters. Perhaps you should clue the reader in on that because I went in expecting a more formal, novel-like style, which has been a source of confusion for me up until now. Though I also suppose that may just be on me given that I'm not really part of the intended audience (I imagine this style is commonplace on AO3 and the like?). Something like "Today marked the day I..." (one sentence) at the very beginning of the story, maybe? Something that lets the reader know the chapters follow the format of a journal entry written imaginary moments after the events told, instead of an indeterminate "long time" after, as is more typical of formal novels.
Thank you Purrgem, very cool!

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>>134467
For style I haven’t really been going for anything specific just what feels right lol. If it is the right choice I can pivot to that journal style like you said. Thanks for reading!

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Relevant btw.

>>134469
Like do I add “I thought” after whenever I want to do something like that?

>>134470
deadass psionic-projecting through your story onto the universe for the 2027 paradigm shift 🫰
>>134471
No. On the contrary, that's what you'd expect in a formal novel. In a journal entry, the narrator can more or less freely interject commentary (inner monologue), though I'd probably italicize it. I left a note in there about it.

>>134372
Gem that got slid to page 7 by bait award, chapter 3 was interesting and also how does James not know how Sarah looks? They had to match on their dating app first right

>>135027
The Bashien, despite being an advanced alien race, never made an internet like ours. They were satisfied with basically just email for instantaneous communication, and just never felt the need for something like social media. With the internet being a new idea for their species the Bashien can be a bit boomerish about it. Sarah isn’t totally a boomer having spent her later childhood on Earth but the idea of uploading a photo of yourself online never clicked so she used a photo of a flower as her profile instead.

>>135034
Why didn't they genocide humans and take over Earth?

>>135039
Oh that’s a good one. There’s an answer but I don’t know if I should say yet. It’s not at all plot relevant I just wonder if letting some speculation happen would be better. >>132018 asked a similar thing.

Read the backstory draft thing a while ago, I'll read the story itself once it's finished. The Cope shall be that I'd rather not tamper with your vision.
>>135034
>the idea of uploading a photo of yourself online never clicked so she used a photo of a flower as her profile instead.
A civilisation 10000 times more advanced than ours.

>>135258
Lwk that doc was kinda shit lol. I look at it every now and then to keep things in line but some elements changed and it isn’t really super relevant to story just some setting elements. Like all the pre contact history is shit nobody cares about and the biology section is a bit of cool spec Evo but again not supper relevant story wise.

>>135261
You finally get it, that wiki about the world isn't really interesting as a story set in the world

>>135424
Well, clearly it was interesting enough for >>135258 to read.

>>135424
I still like the idea but it just wasn’t well written. One thing I have discovered tho is it think leaving some speculation for a reader is a good thing.

Chapters 1-4.

>>135480
Do I need to make an announcement when I make a new chapter or something?

>>135649
Yes. You have to sound the alarm.
Sorry. Extended Chile Crew Family was poppin' off this weekend so I didn't get to read. Will do.

>>135649
Hi <3
As I still believe should be done with Tithe, I think you should probably have the OP edited to indicate that new readers should go directly to the latest official PDF in the thread instead of accidentally reading the earlier drafts, should they not immediately realize you've retroactively edited earlier chapters. Also, do you have an email? Maybe it'd be best if I sent these there instead of polluting this thread with my posts. I'm [email protected], in any case.

>>135969
I’d hardly call it “polluting” when it’s a handful of messages. I’ll send you an email doe.
>I think you should probably have the OP edited
What just a sentence that says check the bottom or something?

>>135969
>>135971
I think the filters messed up your address. I’m [email protected]

Chapters 1-5.

>>136266
I can't help but feel that further characterization of James wouldn't hurt. Also try not to repeat words frequently, even across consecutive sentences (e.g. instead of '(...) my ride was near' you could've written '(...) I was getting picked up soon'). A thesaurus is often useful for that.

>>136372
I think you have a point James could use a little something extra. I think I didn’t give him enough passions besides for kinda being a chudcel cog in the machine and his role in the plot.
>Also try not to repeat words frequently, even across consecutive sentences
I have been aiming for that but I think I do have some writing tics. Thanks for pointing it out tho I’ll start watching out on clarity reads.